What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Give me some pigskin
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.