Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!