Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches