What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Skiing is believing!
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!