Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Wear green, or leaf.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.