What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
"You crack me up."
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
I find you very a-peeling.
I’m feelin’ pine.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.