I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.