When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
"I make pour decisions."
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
French people give me the crepes.
I only have ice for you.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
You’re my #1 pick.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.