Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.