In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
I'm snow bored.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
I find you very a-peeling.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Seed between the lines.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
"On cloud wine."
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.