Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
You’re the queen of my heart.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.