What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I loaf you.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.