What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Beach, please.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
"Sip happens."
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.