How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!