I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
It's lit.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"