A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
You really mermaid my day.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
I love when you coddle me.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.