What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
"Here for the right riesling."
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!