One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!