How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”