What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
You’re my heartthrob.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.