What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!