Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!