How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Make it rein.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.