I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”