What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Practice safe text: use commas.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!