What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I dig you a hole lot.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.