What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Octopus ocular optics.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.