What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Witches are always wand-ering around…
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.