Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Irish you were beer.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What does a house wear?
Address.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.