When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
"Partners in wine."
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting