If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
We’re calling your number.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I dig you a hole lot.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!