After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
"You can't beat me."
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.