Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Keep calm and carrot on.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.