What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Books are my kind of texts.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.