If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
"I wood never leaf you."
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.