What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
You’re unbeleafable.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”