What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
It takes one to snow one.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
This is snow laughing matter!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.