I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
Werewolves love their fast food.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
"Adulting makes me wine."
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Give me some pigskin
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Feeling fintastic.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.