What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.