Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Sleigh, what?!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!