The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
"I mead more wine."
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Your good weed for the day.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
That’s a-may-zing!
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.