What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
You octopi my thoughts.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
We make a great pear
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
It's lit.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!