What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Irish I had better jokes.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Hey summer, long time no sea!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.