what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Gold riddance.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
You’re unbeleafable.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.