I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Call me on the shellphone.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.