When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
You snow the drill.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.