Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.