What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."