What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I find you very a-peeling.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
I love you deerly.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch