What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
"Great minds drink alike."
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
You make miso happy.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.