Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Snow on and snow forth.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.