You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
"Bugs and hisses."
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!