What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
You mermake me happy.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.