The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Don't fork-get your manners.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.