What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I wood never leaf you.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.