Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
It's lit.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
One trick peony.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.