In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
"You make me egg-static."
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.