I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
I like you sow much.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Up to snow good.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.