What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
"No eggs-cuses."
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.