Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.