The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.