What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Beach you to it.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.