The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Eddie edited it.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Talk literary to me.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
when I’m with you.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!