What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
I whale always love you.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.