Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.