Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.