My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!