Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
I only have ice for you.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
You’re right up my alley.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”