Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.