What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!