Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
I goat this.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.