Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
It's lit.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.