How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I read dead people.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
"You're a real good egg."
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.