"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I beacha miss summer already!
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."