What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Girls just wanna have sun.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Better read than dead.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
That’s a bit mulch.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Love at frost sight!
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
All things must grass.