“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I love you dairy much.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!