Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
We’ll have a ball.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I'm snow bored.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!