Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I have the final sleigh.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!