What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
I'm pine-ing for you.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.