"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Girls just wanna have sun!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.