What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Witch you were here.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
She has high elf-esteem.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!