When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
I have bean
thinking about you.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
All punts are highly intended
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.