You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Poor white splash.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.