What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.