On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
I whale always love you.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.