Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
You’re unbeleafable.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.