What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.