What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck