What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Can I Alp you?