Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.