How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Beach, please.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
"No wine left behind."
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I call the shots.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”