The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I whale-y like you.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!