My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Rudder valve reversals
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Whale, hello there.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.