The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
I think therefore I yam.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.