How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I have the final sleigh.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.