What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!