Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I think therefore I yam.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Join us for a slice of fun.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.