Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted