I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.