Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
I loaf you.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
"I make pour decisions."
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.