What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
I sulfur when you argon.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
"Yoda one for me."
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.