My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Practice safe text: use commas.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.