I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I cannoli be happy
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.