What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
"I make pour decisions."
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.