My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
"Lazy bones."
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.