What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Dublin over in laughter.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.