A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Metaphors be with you.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”