Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
I'm snow bored.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.