What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
How Rudolf you to say that!
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
I love you meow and forever.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.