Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
We’re calling your number.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
All punts are highly intended
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!