I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
We’re mint to be.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.