I can heartly wait to see you.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Girls just wanna have sun.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Readers do it by the book.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Best in snow.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."