What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Shell yeah.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.