What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
French people give me the crepes.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
"No wine left behind."
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.