I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
You better beer-live it!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
It’s party thyme.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Best in snow.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!