Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.