Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
You better beer-live it!
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Don’t moss around.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
I followed my heart to you.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...