Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
You’re my pot of gold.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death