I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
"Bugs and hisses."
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.