I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.