Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Look for a rainbow connection.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Seed between the lines.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.