Don’t moss around.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
The calm before the score
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
You better beer-live it!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
It’s party thyme.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.