A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing