I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Whatever coats your boat.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Car puns are really tiring
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Books are my kind of texts.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
I “lub” you.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
"Will you accept this rosé?"