What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Sea you at the beach.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!