Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
"Eggs love you."