Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
I only have ice for you.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Make it rein.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.