"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted