What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
You’re right up my alley.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
"Just don't carrot all."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.