Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.