Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.