What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
I’m feelin’ green.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
My weekend is fully booked.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!