One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.