Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
To get to the other tide.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.